Currently Listening Awake By Secondhand Serenade Vulnerable see related

"so this is my life.
and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad,
and still trying to figure out how that could be."


this quote describes my life exactly right now.
some days I am the happiest person ever.
nothing could make me sad;  nothing could get me down.
but then other times I just sit there and cry.
I think alot of it has to do with my depression.
and no i'm not just making this up, I was diagnosed with it thanks.

I miss last summer and the beginning of the school year.
I was so happy and everything was perfect.
over the summer I had the GREATEST group of friends.
and i'm not just trying to brag or whatever.
but joe joe and amanda were my life over the summer.
I was with joe almost every single day after I met him.
and what we had, more than the friendship thing, yeah it was wonderful.
we would go out and hang out with friends, sometimes we'd drink.
then me and him would come back to my house and lay on my deck under blankets.
and just look at the stars for hours and fall asleep together.
it was the best thing I've had, ever.

and miss amanda little.
wow, I miss that girl so much.
we would spend weeks at a time together, no lie.
we'd go out with joe and his friends and be the only girl there.
but no one treated us like girls just because we were just so much fun.
and we weren't stuck up or anything.
this past summer was honestly the BEST summer I've ever had in my entire life.

then school started.
me and amanda barely ever got to see eachother because we go to different highschools.
and both of our lives were school and marching band.  [we're geeks and we know it, thanks.]
and joe started school at Cal.
we pretty much stopped hanging out all together.
it made me really upset, but I started talking to a boy that I had been on and off with before.

that boy would be josh.
the second greatest guy I've met next to joe.
and even though I never showed it and he probably didn't know, I was completely head over heels IN LOVE with him.
truthfully, I still am.
but things with us ended once again and he went away to school at PTI in Pittsburgh.
we still talked and were still friends and we tried to get back together many times, but we never did.
then finally, we started talking again.
and I was 100% ready to be back with him.
to give him my all and stay together for good this time.
well about a week after we started talking again I found out he had sex with another girl.
a girl who is about 2 years younger than me [josh is 19, i'll be 18 in july.]
yeah well for almost 2 months now they have been dating.
and it kills me everyday to look in their info's seeing all of the cute things they have for eachother.
I miss him more than I could ever explain.

I've realized I take a lot of things for granted.
because of this I lost 2 things that I loved.
joe and josh.
and I will never ever be able to live it down.
it is constantly in the back of my head and I think about it at least once a day.
I would give anything in this entire world to have them back.

So it's been a while since I've updated this.
I missed it, what can I say.
So I had the greatest summer ever.
I went to so many concerts and shows with my friends.
They were all amazing.
I met a bunch of new people.
I met an amazing guy who I spent all of my time with.
He was seriously one of my best friends.
We went to warped together.
We got drunk together, alot.
We layed on my deck together and looked at the stars and fell asleep.
We get lost in some random town together.
We went to the fair together.
Basically what I am trying to say is that we did alot of stuff together and I loved it.
Every second spend with him was so much fun,
He was a weird kid but tons of fun.
Every text I would get from him in the middle of the night waking me up.
It was all worth it.
But now, we don't even talk.
Because he spends all of his time with his 15 year old girlfriend.
And it's not that I care she is 15 or anything, but he lied to everyone about her.
He doesn't even talk to me or courtney anymore.
Just because of this one girl.
And I'm happy for him don't get me wrong.
But now we pretty much aren't even friends anymore because of it.
It just really sucks.

But anyways, senior year started off pretty good.
My classes were good.
I dated a few select boys who were amazing, but just not for me.
My best friend was in a lot of my classes and every other year of high school not once did we have a class together.
We were both co-captains for silks.
It just seemed like it was going to be good.
Well then things really started going downhill.
I was back in my slump like I was in 8th grade.
And you think that oh well you're young it can't be that bad.
Well it is.
A lot of bad things went down my 8th grade year.
To put it shortly, I was depressed.
Really depressed.
Yeah, and thats where I'm at right now.
And I'm not even in school anymore.
I'm supposed to be on homebound but clearly Laurel fucking Highlands could care less.
I already knew this, but this really proves it to me.
I've been out of school for a month now and I still have no homebound teacher.
So my mom is looking into cyber school for me.
And I'm going to finish out my senior year doing that.
And hopefully this upcoming fall I will be attending IUP with my best friend.
Another one of my really good friends Jeramie already goes there.
So me, her and jess are thinking about getting an apartment together so we don't have to live in a dorm with nasty ass public bathrooms.
Gross.
But back to that whole depression thing.
It got so bad to the point where I go to counseling every week.
It's making me feel a little better.
But things are still bad.
I'm going to be put on Zoloft or Lexipro.
Which are anti-depressants.
And I was diagnosed with major depression disorder and severe panic and anxiety attacks.
I get them alot, and they suck real bad.
But my friends don't seem to mind i'm a little fucked up.
We all have our problems.

And let me just tell you that highschool is soooo overrated.
When I was there I talked to so many people.
And I had so many friends.
Now everyone else just considers me a drop out and shit like that.
Whatever.
Just from being gone for a month, I now only talk to 4 people from that school.
Jess Martin, Courtney, Kait and Jess Show.
Those girls right there are true friends.
I don't know where I would be without them.
They are seriously the only reason why I haven't done anything stupid to myself.
Another girl that I couldn't live without would be my brownsville girl.
Amanda Little.
She knows everything about me and helps me with alot.
We don't get to see eachother as often now because school started and stuff.
But we are always going to be such great friends.
Other than those 5, not alot of people really matter to me anymore.
Besides my family.

So this weekend is Thanksgiving weekend.
My mom and her boyfriend are going out of town Wednesday and leaving me alone.
That's cool.
Wednesday morning kait and courtney aren't going to school and they are coming to my house.
And I'm going to make them bagels and tea because I love them.
We are probably going to be headed to the county that is greene for most of that day.
Then courtney is going to her dads in Virginia.
Kaity might be going to NYC, but hopefully not.
Thanksgiving day I'm going to my grandmothers for dinner then me and my aunt are going to BINGO!
Woo.
Sunday I am hopefully going with Kaity and Courtney to Club Zoo to see Norma Jean, Between the Buried and Me, Fear Before the March of Flames, Misery Signals and some other band.
But that's only if kaity doesn't go to NYC.
Then Monday I am going with Amanda Little to the Charleroi Italian Club to see Greeley Estates and Drop Dead Gorgeous.
I can seriously not even wait for that.
It's going to be amazing.
But while all this is going on Jess Martin and Jess Show are going to Disney with the band for the band trip.
I would be going but since I'm on homebound I got kicked out of band and stuff.
So I get to stay home.
But whatever, I get to go to some amazing shows.

So I think this has been pretty long.
It's good enough for now.
But I'm going to start updating this thing regularly.